The Most Beautiful Crash Test Dummy of Them All

I like my body. It’s strong and healthy, and 99% of the time, I think I’m cute, or even gorgeous. Oh, sure, my thighs rub together, and if I don’t dress carefully, I’m prone to a muffin top, but I like how I look, and I’m in far better shape than I deserve, if you consider how little effort I put in, and I’m incredibly comfortable with how I look. That’s not to say I wouldn’t change some things if it were as easy as turning a dial but, on balance… well, if I actually had longer legs, I wouldn’t get to wear those cute platform wedges.

Brides ask me, all the time, what I’d recommend for this problem, or how would I handle that situation*. There are many different companies advertising many different things. I don’t want to just parrot the information from the promotional fliers, that’s no help to anyone. I started thinking – how great would it be to have someone you know and trust go test out some of these fantastical claims, and report back. And the rest is about to be history.

Purely for research purposes of course [grin] I’m embarking on a series of adventures in self-improvement – some quick fixes, some more long-term. I’ll be posting before and after pics, and giving a running commentary on how easy, or uncomfortable, or embarrassing, or unpleasant, they are.

It’s a point of integrity for me that any review I make is honest, and unbiased. Which is why I’m posting my first series of ‘before’ photos today,** and crossing my fingers that at the end of the course, I’ll have impressive  ‘after’ photos to put next to them.
With each of the treatments I’ll try, the evidence should speak for itself.

10-10-2012: The Before Photos  [I decided not to embed them in the post. They’re definitely not my best angle, and someone has to think of the children!]

So, to my first adventure:

From the website:  “HYPOXI combines alternating high and low pressure with exercise to help target fat in those areas which just won’t budge. The simple 30 minute workout is safe, pain-free and completely natural – helping your body to tap into stubborn fat stores while you work out. In just 12 sessions, clients can lose up to 30 centimetres from their problem areas ….”

With claims of fat burning and cellulite reduction, sculpting great legs and a flat stomach, and you can do it in your street clothes, during your lunch hour. For a gym rhino [not bunny!]  like me, it sounds like the perfect workout. If it can do all that, it’s going to be awesome!  Though there’s no specific diet or ‘homework’ exercise to sign up to, it’s still a big investment of both time and money – the double whammy treatment program I’m trialling will take 15 hours, and cost a little over $500. I’m working with Nicola at the Nelson Hypoxi Studio [there are Hypoxi studios throughout the country and around the world]

I’ve been for my free intro session, where Nicola talked me through the process, and gave me a taster session on the machines, and today was my first treatment.

I started with the Michelin Man costume, I mean, HypoxiDermology.
Getting suited up was like being on the other side of a gown fitting. Thankfully, Nicola knew what she was doing, pulling and prodding to get it properly fitted, buckling and zipping until I was completely tucked in, and hooked up.  I lay back on the bed, and… well, that was pretty much it. The machine did the rest of the work – by sucking all the air out of the suit, and then magically performing a mechanical ‘cupping’ massage using hundreds of pressure chambers. It felt kind of weird at the intro session, but this morning, I didn’t even notice it.

After I’d watched a bit of telly, painted my nails, and thought about getting Nicola to pass me my knitting… it was time for part two, the L250 Trainer. There is a TINY bit of work required on this one – underneath the hood there’s a set of bike pedals, so I’m not totally just kicking back and relaxing. Really.

While I’m cycling the vaccum pump is again doing its thing, changing the pressure so that the blood flow increases. It’s zero impact exercise, and I spent most of my time chatting or reading a book.
Tough workout this really is not!

Workout completed, I put my feet back into my impractical wedges [I had to dig deep into my closet to find a pair of pedal friendly shoes] pull my skirt back on over my tights, and just like that, I’m on my way. It’s hard to believe I’ve just done a 1 hour ‘workout’!

Followup: It’s been a busy day since then, and it’s well past bedtime as I write this. I’ve been thirsty, and had a bit of a headache this afternoon [note to self, when they suggest drinking extra water, you should totally do that] and my legs are pleasantly weary. I’m looking forward to my bed, and expecting to fall asleep the instant my head hits the pillow, for a change.

I’ll have updated photos in a fortnight [and I have to admit to being curious about playing ‘spot the difference’ with them] so…. watch this space!


* for the record:  This series is not intended as a vehicle for radical self-improvement [though some of that may happen along the way], nor is it meant to be any kind of political statement on what beauty really means. I certainly don’t endorse any viewpoint which says a bride ought to do whatever it takes to look like a Barbie Doll on her wedding day. But here’s the thing. Wedding photos stay around for a very long time. And while I always begin with some version of, ‘hey, he knows what you look like, and he still asked you to marry him’, I think it’s reasonable to want to show yourself in the best possible light on your wedding day. What’s NOT reasonable is spending time and money on things that don’t work, or promise impossible things. Hence this series.

** The internet is a funny place, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous about putting my cellulite up for the world to see, comment on, repost, or whatever. I’m naive enough to hope I’ll fly under the radar, but if the idiots come out to play, here’s my plan – Let’s not feed the trolls. If you see an unkind comment, just walk on by. I have the power of the delete button, and I’m quite able to use it, and once the comment is gone, if we’re not all busy posting shock reactions, then it will sink without a ripple. It’s a theory, anyway.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sandra johnson
    Oct 10, 2012 @ 19:12:01

    Oh, the extent of your customer service! Good on ya. I’m looking forward to your findings!


  2. Gemma Franken
    Oct 12, 2012 @ 09:57:10

    Ohh Ang. You’re a breath of fresh air, I must admit, I’m off on Thurs for my first Hypoxi trial. lol. Thank you for entertaining me. Look forward to future postings! Luv Gem


  3. Trackback: Hypoxi Update « Whispers

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